I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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