Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize