I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
