one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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