so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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