I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
