The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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