One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
