My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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