He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
