96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Randomize
