I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
