my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
