1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
did i just pee glitter
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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