On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Dicks are not precious.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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