i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
