You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
