there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
