I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Randomize