After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
