Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
