I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
