even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Randomize
