if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
