did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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