booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
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