Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
