Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
