I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
My balls are so social today.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Randomize
