You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize