I like my sex mixed with concussions.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
