I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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