i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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