Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
