Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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