There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
