Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
