I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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