I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
