i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Randomize
