My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Dignity is for republicans.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
