I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
