I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
