is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Randomize
