omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
