Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I just found puke in my bra..
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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