i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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