thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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