so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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