When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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