It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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