It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
