the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
