New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
