haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
