My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
