This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Randomize
