Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize