Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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