trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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