Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize