Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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