Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
