was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
as a side note pls kill me
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
