Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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