Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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