I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
