I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
