I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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