i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
My life is pants optional.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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