Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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