im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
