her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
