Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I will pee on everything he values.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I'm always down for nudity.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
