I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
