a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
