I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Houston, we have a blender
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
