Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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